I don't know who I am anymore......

I don't know what to do. It feels like all I do is try and do my best and beyond , but somehow that just isn't good enough. I love with my whole heart and try to be patient. I know I may not be the kindest person but I have been trying to gentle with my words and slow when it comes to harsh things. The only thing anyone points out is that I'm a bitch cause I tell you the truth. If your too fucking stupid to know that you shouldn't run a car on its battery for an hour or idle a car with a bad radiator for 15 min until it starts to make this gross burnt smell then yes YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID and I will tell you to your face. Especially if its MY CAR your potentially ruining and have no plans on helping me fix it. I am so fucking tired of feeling like I am not good enough. I go above and beyond to do what needs done so we ca live and all I get is things like "You're a stupid bitch shut the fuck up" or "yeah whatever " and no eye contact like I am not even a person. Seriously?!?!? I at least deserve to be talked to like I exist when I drop things I want to do to help you or I don't go out because you don't want to. I do whatever I have to to pay bills, get US to work, feed US. All I get is ungrateful bullshit. Playing fucking games while I'm telling you why I'm hurt or stressed or that I need help. IT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT!!!
I know I probably shouldn't share with the whole interwebs but I need to vent and this is the only way I can get it all out. It all hurts and I can't stand it anymore. I can't keep bottling up all these things that hurt my soul and make me angry. I have lost so many in such a short time and I don't get to grieve and hurt cause I need to take care of you ! I have to be the strong one and power through. I get run over at work and at home, I can't talk to anyone because you get embarrassed. Well guess what I'M GONNA TALK TO WHOEVER I WANT AND YOU CAN FUCK OFF! I don't care if you don't want people to know you break things when your angry or that you call me names and treat me like shit just because you want to save face.

FUCK YOU  I am better than you and all this bullshit so FUCK YOU !

huhrumph..... I believe that is the only way to describe it.....

So I have been working at RGIS.... not a bad place... wish I could make the rent. Ya know just the little things you ask for would be nice to get sometimes. It feels like I work all the time with all the travel and what not but even after working like 8 days last pay period I still only made like 245 dollars. So the way it looks now if I out right pay everything and save what I need to to make the rent I will have ...wait for it ...wait for it ..... 4 whopping dollars to my name for the next two weeks.On top of that my nose won't stop running. Why won't my nose stop running? Beats me but nothing helps either. Cold medicine doesn't help and neither do allergy pills go figure right. Just a random runny nose. And to top it all off my back has decided it no longer like me to sleep because laying down not only makes it hurt but my ribs as well. YAY!! Happy dance with a sarcasm sign!! I'm hoping that it stops soon that way I'll feel well enough to go and donate plasma again. That was at least helping. I do have an interview today though... hoping it goes awesome so I can have a regular mostly full time job at regular minimum wage instead of 9 bucks for 3 hours a day.


It seems like everything is pilling up. Like Mom and Dad had to help me with Henry last week cause all the sudden he decided that he needed a new battery. 112 dollars worth of new battery. At least it wasn't his starter though.
And then Paul has been stressing. Wish I could help there but I think I make it worse sometimes.


But bright side. I have completed two count them two craigslist ads. One for Cam's photography and one for my crochet things. I feel a little accomplished today! I made some pretty ad pictures for them in Photoshop.

So what do you think? I think they are snazzy!! 

Well I suppose that's all for now... will probably post again soon! 

Well shit...

So I'm tired. Not the "I need a nap" kind of tired but the " fuck the world and all its stupid little issues" kind of tired. I don't know what did it but I am most certaily fed up.
Lately it doesn't seem to matter if I do something correctly or if I fuck up all togather, no one really cares and most of them are mad at me for no fucking reason. It seems as though I am the scape goat for most all problems in my day to day life... it is my fault people are dumb, my fault people don't answer their phone, my fault you can bring your adult attitude to a conversation between adults... seriously why me? Like yesterday someone decided they would crisco my car... what did Henry do to you to warrant such treatment? And why the hell can't you leave me alone? If you've got beef then bring it! Quit being a fucking coward and stop fucking with my car damnit! First my cue then vandelizing my car.... SERIOUSLY?! What the hell is your problem? And on top of that not a one person can be straight with me at work and there sure as hell ain't anyone who listens to me! Why would you pick a fucking arguement with me in the middle of a rush while a customer is already argueing with me?! What the hell is your problem?!?!
There are sooooo many things I wish to rant, rave, and curse the world for but can't .... ya know that whole " what if someone sees that?!" thing, well maybe that was the fucking point! Did anyone ever think of that?! I haven't been this unhappy since my parent's devorce.... and I was 8 then... no real problems just toy cars and playing with worms..... kinda wish I had it all back..... cold weather, family everywhere, just home..... I just want home.....

Why can't I have a life?!

Serious? Why is it that everyone  expects me to help them cover their shit and fix their problems but when I ask for something that's more than  easy to everyone ignores  me or  is unwilling to help? Now the next question is why  am I the only person who can't get a shift covered but won't call in cause they don't want to be there. Fucking responsibility sucks if I were like almost any of my other associates who act like they are entitled to not be at work when they want I would just call in and say fuck you you figure it out I won't be there. Stupid uhhggg I am so not going to be in a good mood the rest of the day hell  even through next week maybe! Fuck it all alright and from now on you all have to take care of your own goddamn shift I'm not helping!

Street Signs

Street signs are meant to tell people how to use a certain section of road. That includes no entry signs, speed limit signs, protected left signs etc.So why then is it so terribly difficult for people to stay in their own freaking lane in a double turn lane ESPECIALLY when I have my FREAKIN' BLINKER ON!!!!
Not only does this particular incident happen to me on a regular basis but today it had to happen on my way to work, I'm already late, and its EIGHT O'CLOCK IN THE FREAKING MORNING!! and... ANNNNNDDDD... she was in the car with her WHOLE FAMILY! 2 small boys and her husband and she can't even stay in her own lane... SERIOUSLY?!


This has been the week that if something were going to happen it would.
No one wants to be at work so they all have been calling in "sick" and they aren't very good at taking turns. Now granted some might actually be sick but most of them use the standard excuses like "I didn't think I was scheduled" or "I had some random plans spring up" or "eh I just don't want to what's a good excuse." It seriously wears me out and ya know I try to make everyone happy and get everything working right but then the one day I want a little help so I can do something near and dear to me I kinda get shoved off..... Irritating.....slightly.


I think things like this have actually been good for me though. Yeah they totally suck but I have become more patient and tolerable. although I have very little patients for stupid people and it seems those have been in all but short supply lately.


Hey but now I'm home watchin' Tron Legacy with my lil' brother. I'm glad he likes to just spend time with me sitting and talking, ridding in the car or watchin' movies. He's growing up sooo fast though... but into a nice well rounded boy. lol


Well better call it a day! Night all!!


P.S. I think I'm going to start writing more it really relaxes me quite a little. :D

Are you kidding me?!

Guess what I have been working at various jobs since I was 11. Your 15 ain't nothing! And I could give a  shit less if you think your better than me I would just appreciate you not telling me to not think I'm better t than others right before you call me worthless because you are going to be a doctor. Umm HELLO?! CONTRADICTION MUCH?!Really don't care if I made you cry either and  if you think coming to your job not to mention your fiance's job and telling your SUPERIOR off is a good idea you have a LOT of... wait what's that called again..... Oh Yeah! GROWING UP to do still.
Ok I'm better now... Night everyone!

STUPIDITY!!!

Ok first of all you should do what your BOSS tells you to even if you don't like the other person that helped your BOSS do what you need to finish!
Second of all you NEVER HANG UP ON ME AND EXPECT TO HEAR THE END OF IT! grrrrrr
And last but not least it doesn't matter if you don't like the person that did something for your boss and made it easy for you to finish the small project, you should still do what you BOSS (ya know the man who signs your PAYCHECK and decides whether or not you have a JOB) tells you to do and you can bitch all you want to yourself but do what your fricken told. What is so hard about that. And no it isnt your job to clean up others' messes but its alo not MY job to clean up after YOU beacuse you HIDE ALL DAY DOING WHO KNOWS WHAT (not your job obviously) or not KNOWING HOW TO COUNT and blaming it on not being able to stay past 12:30! You shouldn't be there that long ANYWAY! TIME MANAGEMENT DUH!!!! Don't use that excuse on me if you leave me with your shit to fix all the time!!!! *twitch*
Ok ... I feel better now. Time for string cheese and Mt. Dew! *yawn* Then possibly bedtime!